Wow…it’s hard to believe that this is the last day of 2015. It seems like it was yesterday when I wrote that 2014 was almost over and that events from that year had made me realize I was a stronger woman in that year. A woman of Worth, Love and Character. That I had found a richer and deeper love for Christ than ever before in my life.
My goal for 2015 was to not set resolutions but to live life falling deeper for His love and walking through my life with more love, laughter and zest.
I can truly say 2015 was a year of change and growth. Spending time in His Word made me realize that I needed to make some big changes in my life in order for that growth to happen.
I had to learn how to set boundaries in order for relationships to continue, and along the way there were a few relationships that didn’t survive.
I had to learn to not worry about what people said about me on facebook or even what they thought about me.
I had to learn that being humble, more than ever before, brings much happiness….yet, it is one of the hardest things to do.
After much praying, in May, I decided to move back to St. Louis to be closer to my son, Tyler, and his wife, Heather. In my heart I never wanted to live away from my son and I certainly didn’t want to live away from grandbabies when the time came for them to start having babies, so I put things in place to make that transition.
I packed my house in May & June. I traveled to Texas in July to see my best friend and upon returning to Indiana…I moved 3 days later. Talk about a crazy few months packed with chaos!
I moved in with Tyler and Heather. They created a small cozy space in their basement until my apartment was ready in October.
In the change of things I learned that I didn’t know Heather and she didn’t know me. We “knew” each other but didn’t “know” one another, yet we both loved the same man. I learned that my son loves and adores his wife.
I learned that my old church, as much as I loved it and had hoped to return there, wasn’t were I was supposed to be.
With all the many things I learned and the wonderful changes that happened I grew into a woman who got a little lost along the way and stopped picking up her Bible. Please don't misunderstand. I still spent time reading the Bible app on my phone and still listened to worship music, but there’s something to holding and reading and studying the Word with the Bible literally in your hands.
Even though I wasn’t holding my Bible in my hands I was still seeking Him and ways to grow closer. In September I began a Bible study that was deeper than any study I’ve ever done before. We studied from the book Redemption by Mike Wilkerson. It was a 12 week study and even in the first 4-5 weeks I wasn’t sure what I was getting from it. I wasn’t just going through the motions. I was digging deep and just didn’t see where I was connecting with this study.
Now, you need to know, when I’m studying I write all over and in my book. I write whatever comes to my heart if something is triggered. During week 6 the chapter I read resonated with me and I decided to read it again. Holy Moly…..on one of the pages there was my sons name, written across the page. I didn’t even remember writing it. So I backed up and began reading the chapter from the beginning. I bawled. For days!
That study opened my eyes to see that for 15 years (if not longer) I had made my son an idol. I looked to him for love, approval, respect, acceptance and appreciation. I say 15 years because it was 15 years ago that he led me to Christ. I left behind an addiction and love for alcohol.
So deeply seeded and never would I have imagined that I had put my only child on a pedestal. Somewhere deep within I had made my son my savior. Talk about a HUGE realization and the heart ache that came.
What was even harder than realizing that I had done that, was going to Tyler and asking for his forgiveness and setting in place the changes I need to make.
2015 was eye-opening!! I, however, would not change this year for anything in the world. I welcome 2016 and the changes I need to make to insure I do not put that pressure and burden upon my child.
I have Jesus Christ. He is my true Savior, and the only one who can handle any pressure and burden I place upon Him. He is the only one I will seek comfort, joy and peace from.
Again, I will not set a resolution for 2016, but I will strive to become the woman God needs and wants me to be. My plan for 2016 is to live more humbly and even more transparent. To live with greater intent with those in my life. To love more. To laugh louder...and to seek God with all my being.
My prayer is that you will look within and see what is hidden. Look deep within, not just on the surface. Jesus is waiting to carry the burdens for you.
Happy New Year!