Uncle Steve

Tonight....heaven gained an angel. My uncle, Steve Davenport. 
Though I know in my heart he walks with his Heavenly Father, my weeping has begun as my heart is heavy. Losing someone this time of year sucks. The eve of Christmas Eve. 
But, is there truly any time of year that is good for death? 

I had sent a message to Gretchen asking about Christmas Eve plans. Her response knocked me off my feet. "That's fine. Dad just got taken to the hospital in an ambulance. He went into cardiac arrest once and they are still working on him. Please pray for him. PLEASE." It was 8:25pm.

I couldn't get out the door fast enough. It seemed as though the world was in slow motion. As I struggled to get the door locked my prayer seemed like a fumbled football. All over the place. Every direction. Breathe Bo.....breathe.

By the time I picked mom up and got to the hospital to be support for the family, just knowing he was fine......I did not yet know the outcome.
It took me less than 15 minutes.
We saw Tony on the sidewalk. Pacing. Mom asked how uncle Steve was and Tony answered...but his voice was silent. His lips moved. I saw them! But no voice. Then he repeated himself. "He passed." As I hugged him my eyes found Logan across the parking lot. I couldn't get to him fast enough.
Logan pulled me into his big husky arms, buried his head on my shoulder and cried. Repeating..."so much was said and so much was not said".

I headed in the ER. Jason, Bryce....the doors opened and we followed a nurse. The trauma room door opened. There sat Krista and my aunt Sharon holding uncle Steve's hand. My breath was taken away. 

This is the moment when you want to say so many things but you don't know what to say. The most common thing is "I'm so sorry. I know how you feel."
I refuse to say those words. I don't know how they feel. I still have both my parents and no spouse to lose. What the hell do I say? 

But, where's Gretchen? As I walked out of the room and headed towards the ER waiting area those huge doors opened...there hobbled Gretchen followed by John. Gretchen doing everything in her power to remain balanced on her crutches as she wept for her daddy. The embrace between us said it all. I didn't want to let go.

Kelly was in Colorado. Not sure who contacted her but I know Aunt Sharon was talking to her through the fog that seemed to be so thick in the room. 

Text Scot. Call Dad. Text Ty. Call Mike. My list was complete. Am I dreaming?
This is the eve of Christmas Eve. This can't be happening. But it's very real.

"So much was said and so much was not said" kept ringing in my ears. Logan, 22 years old, had said those heart wrenching words. Words of truth.

Those words haunt me. They always have. I've had the fear of having an argument and then losing someone before I could say I'm sorry. But it didn't stop my words or actions. Or not telling someone I love that I love them. Many times I can look right at them and think the words but not speak them.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Shoot, we aren't guaranteed 5 minutes from now.

We all say things we regret. The bad thing is we say them without even thinking sometimes. I know no-one who has a tamed tongue. Scripture tells us about taming the tongue in James 3:3-11...

3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. 11 Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?

There's not a soul on this earth that has not spoken ill of or to someone they love. Nor is there a soul on this earth that has not gone to bed angry with someone they love. Yet scripture warns us of this in Ephesians 4:26...

"In your anger do not sin"; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

I'm so guilty. So very guilty. 
What is it? What is it that causes us to feel as though we need to speak harsh to others or can't forgive what's spoken to us. Why can we think the words "I love you" but not speak them in that moment? What a mighty stronghold. What a shame.

When, in the blink of an eye....life ends. And we can never say "I'm sorry" or "I love you."

So much was said....and so much was not said.
My heart is heavy and I weep.

12/23/2013