UNSEEN SIGHT by Krista Davenport Deal

99% of the writings I share on this blog are written by me. There are times when I might read something I've found on the internet that I find inspiring and I want to share it with you. When I do that....I ALWAYS make sure you know I did not write it. Let me make this clear....I have NEVER nor will I EVER take credit for something I DID NOT write.

With that being said.....it is on my heart to share something written by my cousin, Krista Davenport Deal. It is a life changing event happening to her, not me. These are her words, not mine. She has been so gracious in giving me permission to share her personal story.

Hope it inspires you or someone you might know going through something similar.

Blessings,

Bo

UNSEEN SIGHT

By Krista Michelle Davenport Deal

January 17, 2014

   

July 16, 2013 started out just like any other day. After my normal morning routine of a shower, coffee, and a couple cigarettes I was off to my job as an RN in Scottsburg, Indiana. Usually my 10 hour shift flies by because I love my job and I love my patient. Caring for him was never like work. However, this day was starting to be a little different. Around 10am I started getting a headache, which isn’t all that unusual for me. But this headache kept getting worse and worse and wouldn’t let up no matter what I did.

I have suffered from migraines for years but this was different. I had never felt pain like this before. The strange thing was it was only half of my head that was hurting. By the time I got home that evening I could hardly hold my head up because the pain was so intense. Kelsey asked me if I needed to go the hospital. But I kept saying no because, well, because….I’m just that stubborn. I finally told him I felt like my brain was shriveling and at that point the decision to go to the hospital was no longer mine. I was going whether I wanted to out not.

Thank God Kelsey never listens to me. When we arrived at the hospital my blood pressure was 228/128. Unbelievably high!!!  (normal rate is 120/80). After pushing some meds they immediately sent me for a CTscan of my brain. The results; I had had a stroke. Even, now while writing this, I can feel myself starting to panic and the tears are rolling all from one sentence. I had a stroke.

There I was 42 years old. What?? Are you kidding me??!!!! I’m only 42! I’m a nurse! I’m not sure why I thought either of those things were the reason for not having a stroke but at the time that was my rationale.

I spent the next 4 days in the hospital with uncontrolled blood pressure. They went through different combinations of medicines until they found a combination they flet would work. The next few weeks were full of follow up appointments with a neurologist (brain doctor), and an eye doctor.

My stroke wasn’t extremely severe. I had no paralysis or weaknesses and no speech problems. I was and am very thankful for that. However, the side effect I was left with was vision problems. I lost 98% vision in my right eye because the stroke was on the left side of my brain. I also lost approximately 45-50% vision in my left eye, partly because the stroke was slightly towards the center and partly because my left eye automatically stared to over compensate for my right eye. So now, months later, I’m down to 35-40% vision in my “good” eye and 0% in the right one. This is a major adjustment for someone who had 20/20 vision before the stroke.

Luckily after a couple weeks off I was able to return to work. I didn’t tell my boss about my vision problems. I felt like I could still do my job. And, at the time, I could. My patient didn’t require a lot of medicine and I knew exactly what he took without even looking. As time went on and my vision got worse I had to tell my boss about my eyes. She wanted me to pick up shifts for another patient and I just didn’t feel confident with my sight. I would never do anything to put someone in danger and I was afraid I would unintentionally hurt them if I couldn’t see properly. So, after many discussions and follow ups with my eye doctor I agreed to stop work, apply for disability and have a few eye surgeries to see if they could correct the problem. Seems simple, right? It wasn’t for me. Although I knew stopping work was the right thing to do I felt like it was tearing me apart.

I didn’t go to nursing school until I was 35. I was a single mom with 2 boys and I went back to school full time. It was a big step. And it was hard. But, I did it. And I was proud of myself. I worked my butt off in school and graduated 2^nd in my class with a 3.7 GPA. Who woulda thunk it. Me? A Nurse?! But I did it and I didn’t want to give that up. I felt like it was the only thing I’d ever accomplished and I loved my job and felt like I made a difference with my patients. Now they wanted me to stop nursing and take a chance the surgeries would work and I’d be able to go back. But, what if the surgeries don’t work? What if I can never be a nurse again? Then, what?????

I already had to give up driving and reading and doing things that everyone takes for granted. What am I going to do if I can’t be a nurse? I still struggle with that question, even today. It’s scary not knowing if you will ever be able to support yourself again or be independent. People even have to read me the mail now. And though it shoudn’t, it makes me feel so useless….and I don’t like it!

I don’t like being afraid of what I can’t see and of falling and bumping into things. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like feeling like a burden to anyone. I don’t like having to ask the cashier what the debit card machine screen says because I can’t see it. I wonder if she thinks I can’t read? I don’t like having someone else read me the menu at a restaurant so I can decide what I want to eat. Don’t mis-understand, I’m extremely thankful for the help I receive. I just want to be able to do it myself, without having to ask for help. That’s just me. It’s what I do. I take care of people; my kids, my family, my patients, my friends. It shouldn’t be the other way around.

It feels like the only thing I’m good at has been taken away. And it sucks, big time. There is no other way to describe it. It just sucks!! And there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I know that’s most of my problem. I’m a control freak and if I’m not in control I feel like I’m losing my mind. I have to deal with what’s on my plate right now because I can’t deal with the control issue. After all it’s not going anywhere.

So, now I’m here with all this time on my hands with not enough to do. I decided one day to start practicing being blind just in case it’s how I end up. I began by arranging the bottles in the shower in the exact order that I use them, making sure to put them back in the exact same place every time. Then I started on our closet. I made sure all our clothes were separated; Kelseys on the right mine on the left. Then I made sure there were 2 empty hangers in the middle so I could tell where each side started. I then rearranged my chest of drawers. I got rid of anything I didn’t need or use and I put like items with like items, left to right. Next, I started counting. I counted steps. Every step. How many steps does it take from the couch to the kitchen counter (6), from the couch to the doorway of our bedroom (4), then from the bedroom doorway to the bathroom (17) and back. I counted every step everywhere I went in the house, over and over and over again. Finally I practiced. I closed my eyes and walked to my room, opened the closet, got out an outfit, walked to the chest and got underwear and socks. I walked to the bathroom, started the shower and undressed. I washed and conditioned my hair, bathed, shaved my legs, turned the water off, dried and dressed. All with my eyes closed. Sound silly? Try it!

Seem how many things you run into. It’s not as easy as it sounds.

I did bump into to things, but I took my time,and I counted my steps, I felt for my surroundings and I took a shower without help and without sight. It’s a small feat but I did it and I’ll keep doing it until I can do it without putting my hands out for feelers and without bumping into things. Next I’m going to try cooking a meal with my eyes closed. I might very well starve to death but, at least I will be clean. LOL

Maybe this is Gods way of humbling me. Maybe I’m being broken down so I can be build back up to be stronger than ever. Maybe it’s His way of making me ask for help. Maybe it’s His way of showing my family that I’m not always going to be able to take care of them and they have to step up and take charge. I don’t know what God has planned for me. All I know for sure is I am His child and I am not useless. I will deal with whatever comes my way.

It’s not easy. I still have days that I’m sad and days that I’m angry. But, I am thankful that I have days at all. I am here. I can walk, I can talk, and I have full use of my mind. I am blessed. I’m even blessed to be going through this trial. Sight or not, I will learn from all this and some way, some day, I will help someone else.

God promises that He will never leave me and He will never put more on me than I can handle. Some things just take a little longer for me to figure out how to handle them. There’s that control thing again. Maybe it’s not for me to figure out. Maybe I am going to be a blind old bat. But I’m going to be the cleanest, hottest, blind old bat around!!!!